Jewel is my alter ego. She was created on her birthdate listed. I was 12 and she was just a name I used to remain anonymous as a writer. Unfortunately in 2004 everything that I wrote under that name was burned by a unhappy husband who thought everything I wrote came from personal experience. His thoughts were sick and twisted. They still are! But this blog is for me!
Although I may refer to others from time to time I will protect their identities by changing their names. Some could call it fiction but really it is my perception of my life.
There are two sides to every coin as there are two sides to every story. My memories, my perceptions, they are mine. Believe what you want but do not judge me because only one can judge me. I am brutally honest. This gets me in trouble but it keeps all of my stories straight. My philosophy is that if I don't lie I don't have to remember whom I said what to. Ok so I do lie about money only because that is my business.
So to fill you in on me. I am a twice divorced single mother of three. One of my babies has reached adulthood and is living his own life. We will call him Jackson. Jackson is 22 and when he was a baby I fought for him and lost custody. I was only a child myself and up against a attorney alone because my attorney withdrew. I am so over the anger from this but Jackson is not. I love him and tell him how it is yet he gets angry because he thinks it is not my place to. I'm his Mom and he can get over it!
Then there is my middle son whom I will call Randy. Randy is my genius. I have set the bar so high for this 15 year old that he has no option but to succeed. He has never had a relationship with his father. His step father was abusive towards him so he runs away every love interest in my life. I don't hold any grudges against him for this because he sees when his Momma stops smiling and will not settle for anything less than my happiness. And last but far from least is my daughter Lezlie. She is the one that gives me all of my gray hairs. Lezlie is 12 going on 30! She is every bit as stubborn as me and refuses to back down. She has several neurological problems and is medicated. This is the year she has chosen to come out of her shell. I am not sure if I am going to make it through this puberty onset.
Now we come back full circle to me. I am me plain and simple. I want what everyone else does and that is to be loved. Unfortunately much of my youth was wasted hoping my second husband, Dracula, would stop drinking his life away and be the person I saw he could be. And yes I called him Dracula because he sucked the life out of me on so many levels. I now find that I am rebuilding my inner self after the years of abuse and neglect I suffered.
And there is also , Misery, my ex boyfriend whose lack of verbal skills and low self esteem put me where I am right now. He broke up with me a couple if months ago leaving my kids an I homeless. I wouldn't have been so bitter but I discovered he had already hooked up with this Meth Whore that was looking for someone to use. So it took him a month after they hooked up to kick us out. He says no that is it what happened but I'm not stupid. Although everyone who knew might think I am. I'm a firm believer that Karma, and that is what I'm calling her, is going to bite him in the ass. You might ask why I'm so bitter about him. Well it is because I loved him differently than I have ever loved before. And for 15 months I was blind to his faults. And now I see I was just there for his use. Pretty sad that a man could've so good and fall so far.
Enough of that! Today I find myself picking up the pieces. On July 5th at 2 am in the morning he broke up with me. And later that day I called my sister, Sharon, and she said come on out and we will figure this out. That was the start of a major argument fueled by jealousy. I have never had a friendship with my sister and now I know why. She is miserable too. I've come to the conclusion that this is a major flaw in Capricorns. Sharon, Dracula and Misery are all Capricorns. Yes they all are different people but their character traits are alike. All have addictive personalities, all are angry at the world and looking for someone to punish (me!), none of them are willing to accept their portion of the blame, they are all consumed with money and stingy as ever with it, they all are quick to point out others flaws yet are blind to their own, and the biggest problem is their lack of communication skills.
The truth hurts but it is necessary. If we don't deal with the crap life throws at us then we doom ourselves to failure. I refuse to fail! I refuse to believe that there is no happiness! I refuse to think that I am doomed to be alone the rest if my life. I have put my heart out there to be broken and that is how I know I have a heart.
I refuse to be nasty to most people. Now anyone behind the counter at the fast food joint with the Golden Arches is a exception. I give what I receive when it comes to any social environment. The exception to that is work. I drive a school bus. Every child on my bus is my kid! I love them all deeply and will guard them with my life.
Now I am really going to get to today! Today the kids and I are living in my grandmother's house. I am surrounded by things. They were her things but they are not her. I would trade everything to have her back! Growing up she was my neighbor, my mentor, and my second mother. She always corrected improper English. She always tried to do it herself before seeking help. And she was the most creative person I have ever known. I like to think I received a lot of my DNA from her. Now I find myself looking through her things and knowing I am so much like her. She was so many things that ADHD comes to mind. I see how alike we were in her artistic talents. And I am seeing the same in my Lezlie.
Life at grandma's house is not what I wanted or expected but it is where I am and what I have to do. It has caused numerous family arguments and will no doubt cause millions more. It is a home! The first one I've ever had! The first one I've ever been able to give my kids! Sure we have lives many places but none have been a home. They have been a place for our things and bodies to dwell. They have brought small moments of happiness and long term suffering. Now we have this house. It is made of brick and filled with memories. I can paint the walls and hang different pictures but in my mind I will always see my grandma sitting in her chair with the door open doing a crossword puzzle or reading a book. And when I look at her paintings I will always hear her asking me what she did wrong. And going through her treasure trove of art I see thrones she didn't sign because they were not finished.
In the garage there are hundreds of pill bottles filled with nails, screws, nuts and bolts. Each box is filled with treasures. Books older than me, papers that have information she found interesting, sea shells she picked up off of the beach where she fished decades ago, pictures of vacations with friends, tools she held in her hands to work on anything and everything around this house. She was love and she loved. She was a fighter and beat breast cancer in 1993! She enjoyed her privacy and kept to herself. But all those decades ago she was a fisherman, a gambler, a friend, a mother and the toughest person I have known. She was wise, gentle, opinionated, and demanded respect. It is hard to go through a lifetime of things and not remember all of this. It is hard to determine what to keep and what to discard. And it is harder to live in a house with objects from several pasts. As I move her things and mine around it brings smiles and tears. I unpacked anger and left it down the road.
Misery can have his Karma, Dracula can have his Terror, and I can now find my missing peace!
I have my kids, I have a home, and I choose for every moment to be happy! I will leave all negativity behind and deal with crap as it comes. Life is to shirt for drama and games. I refuse to give in and be defeated by fear of the unknown.
I will create, I will write, and I will live appreciating each moment! Won't you join me on this journey of healing?
